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| WYCOMBE'S NUMBER ONE FANZINE RETURNS ON THE NET... | |
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DIARY OF ALAN SMITH It's great to see Alan Smith back in football management. Why? Because that's the only place that his plausible theories and know-it-all smuggery can be truly exposed for the hot air that it is. Anyone unfortunate enough to have stumbled across his dismal outpourings in The Observer (especially the laughable hatchet job on Martin O'Neill) will already be aware of his attempts to rewrite history so that it reflects his all-seeing wisdom. Why the man continues in football despite his utter lack of success is quite beyond me - surely a career in politics beckons for this most slippery of characters, who would certainly land a lucrative directorship at the Ministry of Truth in George Orwell's 1984. One can only imagine the diary he keeps - and why not....... 10th August 1947 An apple falls from an orchard tree and ricochets off my striding foot as I walk through the countryside, breathing the crisp, rude air of post-war Britain. Children holler 'goal', pensioners weep, and the suggestive eyes of lusty females coyly view me. It is then that I realise that I have invented the game we now call football. 14th January 1952 I notice that all footballers are over 65 and therefore not natural athletes. They are also prone to injury, slow, and have no interest in the healing properties of Malaysian cuisine and the 1-2-2-1-3-1 formation that I am seeking to introduce throughout football. In other words, a bad package. In a moment of clarity, I see those young children of six years ago and consider for a moment; 'They have so much energy, it is they who should play!' It is then that I realise I have invented the concept we now know as Youth Football. 19th May 1964 It comes to my attention that The Beatles are travelling the world, entertaining their fans with a great package. 'Why can't we do this with football' I ask myself, before writing letters to all the foreign contacts I know from my coaching master class that I hold every month in the Beer Forecourt of the The Hour Glass. When I receive the grateful replies, I realise that I have invented the World Cup. 20th May 1964 An old coaching contact suggests that we present a trophy to the winners of my World Cup, but I had actually thought the same thing moments before, so it's my idea. It's known as the Jules Rimet cup - which means 'Alan Smith, Bringer of Sporting Knowledge' in the East African dialect of Bullshaticrap. I realise then that I am very important indeed. 29th September 1964 Set up my own PR outfit to promote my World Cup. It is called FIFA (Football Is From Alan) 1st August 1966 My inaugural World Cup has come to a triumphant end. England have won, and I have gained a place in the nation's heart thanks to my Cup final hat-trick against the Germans. Prime Minister Harold Wilson offers me a place in his cabinet, but I decline. He then offers to resign as PM and install me as the leader of the country, but I decline. He goes on to suggest that I be King of all the Empire, but again I decline. At that moment, I realise that in many ways I am greater than God. 2nd August 1966 Offered youth team coaching job at Crystal Palace. Accepted. |
 The Adams Family 1992-1998 Coming up: How it all began Issue Guide TAF Classics Did you see? Give it up for Rhino tribute to Keith Ryan Hello Hello! Castledine cover star I met Alan Smith TAF met the great man plus comment on the season as it unfolds Return to the home of TAF
these boys can play too
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