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| WYCOMBE'S NUMBER ONE FANZINE RETURNS ON THE NET... | |
The theory: The Vere Suite is Wycombe's very own answer to the showroom at the International Hotel, Las Vegas. We need to attract the top people down to Adams Park to spend their riches, and we won't do that with dodgy toilet facilities. So let's lay some quality blue carpet down in the gents, instantly reducing the echoing farts of the 'better out than in' brigade and generally creating an air of classy ambience. The reality: 
A gut wrenching stench assaults your senses as you open the door. Searching around, expecting to find a trapped wild partridge rotting away on top of the cistern, you find instead that some halfwit has decided to cover the floor of a gent's toilet with carpet. Certain parts of this blue carpet are darker than others, and this 'patterning' effect seems to be circular and predominately in the vicinity of the urinals. Then you realise that it isn't in-fact a patterned carpet and that after only a couple of months, the telltale signs of drunken manhood have manifested themselves in their irrepressible and irreparable way.The solution: Put posters up in the advertising frames above the urinals containing a large picture of a leering John Inman stating, 'If your aim's no good I'm free to lend a hand'. Failing that, revert to tiles or those delightful fluffy 'slash catchers'. 2: Advertising your new home strip while an important free-kick is being taken The theory: Realising that the crowd will be tucked up warm in bed by the time PA Man has finished shouting about Wycombe Wanderers being the first-club to reach the semi-finals of the FA Cup while having had the double done over them by Cambridge United, the commercial manager BA (Hons) climbs up to the crows nest and urges him to advertise the advent of Wycombe's new nylon bag 'o' shite to the salivating masses, who would eagerly eat their own faeces if they had the words 'FA Cup' written on them. 'Get the details out, we'll sell thousands', urges the marketing man, but the PA man fails to throw the salt over his left shoulder, and thus........ The Reality: Around 1476 people develop Tourettes Syndrome as Wycombe Wanderers grubbily destroy a notch more of the little that remains sacred about the game of football. Wise people look at each other and realise that it is only a matter of time before the team is carried out on the backs of the now naked Wycombe Wonderlites who, after their charges dismount, will be raffled off as escorts to the shuffling, bedsit fiddlers of the Valley Terrace in a 21st century tribute to the rude practices of the slave trade. The solution: Hang the DJ, burn the shirt and stone the Crow! 3: Wycombe Wanderers FA Cup Ticket allocations The theory: A decent minded attempt by the powers that be to ensure that regular supporters get a ticket and that 'meteors' (supporters who appear suddenly and disappear just as quickly) are forced to wait their turn or be denied full stop. The reality: Anyone with less than a first class degree in statistics is reduced to a gibbering breakdown case and carted away to the Madejski stadium. Real supporters start to pray that Wycombe won't beat Liverpool as they cannot stand the thought of having to hear another three weeks of, 'No really, I had twenty ticket stubs but the dog snatched them out of my hands and ate them' and 'I gave them to a homeless person to build a bonfire - I'm being penalised for my charitable nature' or 'I'd go every week but they're not very good usually'. Also, real 'real' supporters launch sad contests to prove to all and sundry that they are, 'The biggest, bestest, barmiest supporter of Wycombe Wanderers'. They point out that they do it three times a week, attend club social functions, and drink every night in the Centre Spot - while omitting to mention that this is chiefly because they smell of clotting milk and chives, have bad dandruff and very few non-PVC friends. The solution: 
Sell two tickets to every season ticket holder, then make the rest attend a 'Popstars' style audition, where applicants have to sing a ditty about the blues and do a dance. Issue the tickets in exchange for £30 and then take them back off fat people, as they look no good on the telly. Back to TAF April/May 2001 Index >>> |
 The Adams Family 1992-1998
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